Acceptance

At the ripe age of 35, I never thought this is how my life would turn out. Yesterday, I had to resign from my position as a university professor due to a chronic and disabling illness. Basically, my brain lost its ability to filter out lights among a host of other neurological and spinal difficulties including severe spinal pain. I face symptoms and challenges every day.

First, Lights are everywhere! I used to enjoy brightly lit rooms, houses with lots of windows, oceanfront views with sunlight everywhere. Now it is like I have perpetually dilated eyes that even the strongest of glasses help only slightly. Most importantly, I am also the mother of a delightful and exuberant four year old girl. She needs her mother, and I am hoping that resigning will at least allow me to have some present, mindful, and joyful times with her.

So, why acceptance as the name of this post? As a psychologist, I know how important it is to accept, instead of avoid and run from reality. As a meditation practitioner of many years, I know how important it is to live in the present moment, and how suffering results from our attachment to things and to ignoring the reality of impermanence and change. HOWEVER, really, do you have to accept a life of pain and apparent limitations? How is this possible?

Gratefully, I at least have a spiritual practice and teacher that shows me a path beyond the pain. I recently had the experience at a meditation intensive where I found a place of joy and love beyond my symptoms, even though they were still there. It was the place of separation that many Eastern traditions talk about. But the day to day reality is a different story, at least at this point in my development.

So, back to acceptance. This is my reality, I offer it up, and I practice acceptance. Because for me this is not a one shot deal, it is a choice and a practice everyday to accept what lies in front of me, and to surrender.