Trade offs

Well I haven't blogged in a long time. Today, with the chronic illness part, I have realized that living with this is a series of trade offs. I have had to take numerous medications on this journey. And each time, there are a host of side effects. Sometimes it is severe fatigue and drowsiness. Sometimes it is a daily headache. Always weight gain. Other times it has been worse, like crazy thoughts that go through my head! And it is the same cycle every time. I get to a point with the pain and the illness where I am like "I have to try the medication." I take the medication or medications and they help with the symptoms, like excruciating spinal pain or the severe problem with lights. But then it never seems to fail that I get to a point where I am like "I just can't take these side effects" or "I just can't live not feeling like myself." And then I stop the medication, and the symptoms return, and the cycle starts again. So today it is hard to think. This is unfortunate because I need to prepare for a presentation I have to give and today is one of the only days I can work on it. But I look at the screen, and I come up blank. I had been hesitant to try neurological drugs that cause cognitive side effects. I have become well aware of my attachment to cognitive prowess. Too many years spent in school and then academics. But again it helps with the horrible agony I have been experiencing since the meningitis reared up again almost three weeks ago. So trade offs. Surrender. Letting go. Finding freedom. These are the lessons I am learning. We shall see!