Trade offs

Well I haven't blogged in a long time. Today, with the chronic illness part, I have realized that living with this is a series of trade offs. I have had to take numerous medications on this journey. And each time, there are a host of side effects. Sometimes it is severe fatigue and drowsiness. Sometimes it is a daily headache. Always weight gain. Other times it has been worse, like crazy thoughts that go through my head! And it is the same cycle every time. I get to a point with the pain and the illness where I am like "I have to try the medication." I take the medication or medications and they help with the symptoms, like excruciating spinal pain or the severe problem with lights. But then it never seems to fail that I get to a point where I am like "I just can't take these side effects" or "I just can't live not feeling like myself." And then I stop the medication, and the symptoms return, and the cycle starts again. So today it is hard to think. This is unfortunate because I need to prepare for a presentation I have to give and today is one of the only days I can work on it. But I look at the screen, and I come up blank. I had been hesitant to try neurological drugs that cause cognitive side effects. I have become well aware of my attachment to cognitive prowess. Too many years spent in school and then academics. But again it helps with the horrible agony I have been experiencing since the meningitis reared up again almost three weeks ago. So trade offs. Surrender. Letting go. Finding freedom. These are the lessons I am learning. We shall see!

Attachments

Some of the things I am definitely attached to...health, having energy, and happiness. I like to feel well, and this is a challenge with a health condition. So I am trying to learn to connect to a deeper state of consciousness AND feel unwell at the same time. And I am attached to energy. I really dislike feeling fatigued. It makes me grumpy and irritable with everyone around me. One of the things I am still learning is that I need to respect my need for rest. This is related to my attachment to DOING and BEING SOMEBODY. One of my favorite books is Being Nobody, Going Nowhere....how do you like that in Western culture? Of course I continually want to be someone, and go somewhere! My illness is teaching me a new way of being. Slow process for sure. But, when we are flexible and recognize the changing nature of things, including health and happiness, we can be free!

If I let go, I can be free

It has been a while. I spent the month in Colorado with my daughter. What a spiritually nourishing time! It was like being in a nest of spiritual energy and support. Although I have been reading about these ideas for years, I finally could get a taste...if I just let go of my expectations, shoulds, etc, I can be free! Fleeting freedom at this point for sure, but freedom nonetheless. Little hooks come in and out, like a scheduled presentation at a conference next week. "What a great opportunity" my mind says, and the more potent one: "How can you miss that?" "There will be no others!" However, I am not well enough to travel to San Diego and present. If I let go of my ideas about it, I can be free. And I can also see what else is there! My mind is a wonderful gift no doubt, but it also feeds me many many storylines that I need not listen to. The good news is that the Inner Self if there no matter what! Even lying in bed, whether or not I am successful or anything. What a relief!

Paying Attention

Paying attention is important for mindfulness, mothering, and chronic illness! I have been "exploring" this in my life....what happens when I really pay attention, especially at this point in time, to my body and my illness. This has not been easy, because truly paying attention means I may need to rest, gulp, at 12 in the afternoon! Yesterday, I was determined to act accordingly. When I knew that I needed to rest, I told myself that I would have to remain in bed for an hour, and without guilt. I actually fell asleep for a short time, and then continued to rest in bed. The wonderful result was that I was able to enjoy the evening with my family (back to priorities and values!). Instead of forcing myself through, I casually enjoyed bike riding with Ava and a bath with her. May sound small, but to me, the ability to be present and engaged with her is so important.

Another thing I have been working on with this... In the book, being zen, Ezra Bayda writes: "An old Zen line says, "On a withered tree, a flower blooms." We often think that being healed means the illness and pain will go away. But healing does not necessarily mean that the physical body will mend, any more than a withered tree will become young again. Healing is not just about physical symptoms. Many people heal and still remain physically sick or even die. Many who become physically well never really heal. Healing involves clearing the pathway to the open heart-the heart that knows only connectedness.When we experience this openness, the flower blooms regardless of what happens to our body."

The part that stays with me: "Healing involves clearing the pathway to the open heart...the heart that knows only connectedness."

Living a Life of Values

As I was reading this morning, a statement stood out to me: What is it that you wake up every morning to do? In the course of trying to cope with my illness, I looked back at old journals I had. I have really had the same three values for a very long time: family, health, and spirituality. Repeatedly over the years I have written these three words. I have devoted time and energy to these key values, even when I struggled with infertility and worked to find a way to create and sustain a baby! And now, as I face significant identity loss in my work, I return again to my three key values. My family. My health. And my spirituality.

First, my spirituality. I meditate twice a day. I continually strive to grow spiritually. I am learning how to serve something larger than myself. This is definitely my foundation. In fact, I think about it most of the time. I read mostly spiritual books, Eastern wisdom sources these days. My husband is my comrade with me in this, and we place a strong value on this in our family life. We are heading to a family meditation, yoga, and arts weekend tomorrow. We are Sangha members of the Eldorado Yoga Mountain ashram outside of Boulder, CO. We practice meditation, a yogic way of life, and devotion.

My family. Being a mother is a central in my life. I strive to be present, engaged, available, and mindful with my daughter. She has a lot of energy, so I have to save mine to be with her! My illness challenges me here. This is where I have had to choose priorities. For example, when I was working full-time, my energy had to go to my job and my health. That was all I could sustain. However, my daughter and husband were such a strong motivator to change the course of my life, to veer off my track and JUMP. I completed an obituary exercise not too long ago. The exercise where you write what you want your obituary to say and what you don't. I did not want my obituary to say that I was strung out, tired, and depleted all the time! I wanted it to say that I lived a life of love that was full of joy! SO, back to acceptance. My bucket has a certain amount of water in it. I need to carefully discern what I use my water for. Some people may have larger buckets, but I need to honor and respect my own. Thus, I always keep my values in mind: family, health, and spirituality. This is what I want to serve.

My health is probably already apparent. I have to place a priority on this, or else it shouts and screams and forces me down! This has not been an easy one for me. My mind and body have been battling. My mind says "You can do it all!" My body says "What are you doing to me?" I have been learning to respect the limits of my body, while also being as proactive as I can to help my body out. A work in progress...

So if I live according to my three values, I am amazed at how joyful I can feel. It is like joy bubbles up in spite of everything. This is not to say it is smooth, but it really helps me stay strong and happy.

Acceptance

At the ripe age of 35, I never thought this is how my life would turn out. Yesterday, I had to resign from my position as a university professor due to a chronic and disabling illness. Basically, my brain lost its ability to filter out lights among a host of other neurological and spinal difficulties including severe spinal pain. I face symptoms and challenges every day.

First, Lights are everywhere! I used to enjoy brightly lit rooms, houses with lots of windows, oceanfront views with sunlight everywhere. Now it is like I have perpetually dilated eyes that even the strongest of glasses help only slightly. Most importantly, I am also the mother of a delightful and exuberant four year old girl. She needs her mother, and I am hoping that resigning will at least allow me to have some present, mindful, and joyful times with her.

So, why acceptance as the name of this post? As a psychologist, I know how important it is to accept, instead of avoid and run from reality. As a meditation practitioner of many years, I know how important it is to live in the present moment, and how suffering results from our attachment to things and to ignoring the reality of impermanence and change. HOWEVER, really, do you have to accept a life of pain and apparent limitations? How is this possible?

Gratefully, I at least have a spiritual practice and teacher that shows me a path beyond the pain. I recently had the experience at a meditation intensive where I found a place of joy and love beyond my symptoms, even though they were still there. It was the place of separation that many Eastern traditions talk about. But the day to day reality is a different story, at least at this point in my development.

So, back to acceptance. This is my reality, I offer it up, and I practice acceptance. Because for me this is not a one shot deal, it is a choice and a practice everyday to accept what lies in front of me, and to surrender.